Huh?

I'm having a lot of angst right now. I have switched my hours from 2nd shift to first shift and my sleeping has improved but the fact is I am still stuck in neutral. I really want to get my job with the fortune 500 IT distributor in Chicago back but it is in all likelihood gone,gone,gone. I could send a resume when the time is right but I think that is going backward. I keep asking myself what I really want to do when I grow up. I have no clue. Still.

I am begining to suspect that my being a writer fantasy is just that. I suspect that I create the fantasy because the reality of being an average gay joe in an average midwestern city is just a little too diffcult to face.

I have been reading a lot of other blogs and when I figure out how to set up links, I'll post them but I don't think I am destined to be a blog star as I am not all that witty or trendy and really don't keep up on that kind of stuff.

In fact, when I read my friend Brad's blog, The Bradlands.com, it makes me think of one my first experiences in a gay bar. I had just come out and was sneaking into The Bar as it was known then with my friend Dean as I was under age. I was talking to an aquaintance, Richard one of the nelliest people I have ever met. He was standing there in the all time classic stereotype pose of hand-on-hip and saying "that guy with the red izod really pees." First I was confused because I didn't have a clue what an izod shirt was and second because when I looked around the bar everyone was standing around talking and drinking. I mean no one was peeing ! Finally after several attempts to point out the hot guy in the red shirt, he exclaimed "what kind of faggot are you? That you don't know what an Izod shirt is ". Later on, I bought a book, The Queen's English, an explanation of the slang term gays used back in the bad old days when gay bars were pretty much underground. It really pees means it is really piss elegant as in really hot. That experience pretty much sums up my relationship to the gay bar community. I have nver been really been interested in fashion or club music or whatever most guys talk about in bars.