Close to 50

          Over a year since I have been here and  in another few short months  I will be 50. I think it won't hit me that much because well, it always hits me the year before the decade turner birthday. I wake up on my birthday,  realize hey another year  and I'll be 30 or 40. Then the where- am-I-at/did-the-time-go depression vulture circles around my head and lands on my chest with a heavy thump. But that didn't happen this past year. Does that mean that I am letting go of my dreams and hopes for the future? Am I squaring my shoulders and examining the life I lead as opposed the one I was supposed to lead, the inner one that exists in my soul, the one where my inner voice is saying  there was a wrong turn somewhere and I have to find  my way  back or possibly forwards?

So it is cold here in St. Louis but then it's cold everywhere today. I have moved in with my parents on the east side of St Louis. I was not happy about this decision but it's not as bad as I was expecting. The fact is my parents have aged dramatically in 2 years. They do not have the physical strength they once had and they are much more easy going than they used to be and this scared me. It means I really have to grow up, to see the passing of time and to know that before long they won't be there to catch me when I fall down. That I will finally have to face life and all its good and bad possibilities. I look at my current situation , still broke, still working at the dead end job and racked by anxiety and depression every 30 seconds to five minutes over where I wll end up. Right now I see my future as a dim gray horizon. No wonderful sunset to gaze at in my waning day, just days of dull gray clouds one after the other till the ceasing of the light. In spite of this dim view of my future, I realize that I need to keep walking down this road no matter where it might lead. It's what we have to do as I believe that this is God's plan for us to keep fighting for life, our individual life and the lives of others. No Matter What.

Why God Why?

I am a believer in God. I see God as a powerful consciousness that is behind the creation of the universe as we know it. I have always believed in God. In fact I have believed in God so much that I have been angry at him ( I'll use the masculine pronoun even though I don't think "he " is male or female but for simplicity, I'll say he). Anyway, I have been angry at him for the past 6 years because I have had a hard crappy and unfair life that I don't understand., I have been so angry at him, if he were a homeless man I would have kicked him in the balls. Now, I know how terribly wrong that is but I can't help it. It is how I have been feeling for the better part of the past six years. Even though I can look around and see many other people whose situations in life are much worse then my own I can't help feeling this way. I have wrestled with this inner demon so much and finally when I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, God throws me another(albeit minor) curve ball in the form of an inexperienced supervisor who thinks that writing up people is a motivational tool at the same time I need to find a new apartment so now I will be moving in with my parents and instead of looking for a better job I will need to find any job even if it means less pay. Am I on the wrong path? If so ,God please show me the right path.

The Change

Ok so I am going to try this blogger thing again and this time try to make the commitment to the blogger credo that I put a new posting every 2 or 3 days. It's just that I think my style is either schmaltsy or plain and my everyday life dull or boring or just painful. I have been wrestling with the demon depression. It usually hits me at night on the drive home. Too often I think on the difficulties of life as a broke middle aged overweight gay man in St. Louis. Mostly I reflect on the changes of the quality of life for queer folk in the U.S over the past 30 years. It is really cool how we have evolved from referring to ourselves as the lifetstyle( circa late 70's) to the community (late 80's ) to family (mid 90's). Now we are demanding that our relationships and families be recognized legally in the social mainstream of America. I have to admit that while I am excited by this new frontier, I can only cherish it with a bittersweet aftertaste. When I think of what is was to be young and gay and out in 1979. To think of how daring it was to expose this secret to your family and friends. What a risk there was in being disowned by family or being shunned by straight friends and the likelihood of being fired from an employer ,well I guess it was a good thing that I was just too dumb to know better.

The Thing Is

A lot has been made of Randy Pausch. You may have heard of him. He was a professor at Carnegie Mellon university who was to give the annual last lecture to the students and faculty. Because he was so popular and it was so well attended, they taped his lecture and then posted it on the internet for any students and faculty who missed it in person. It was a big hit on the net because after giving his philosophy of life, he announced that he was doing this lecture for his kids because he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Over 10 million people viewed his lecture on the net and he was interviewed by Diane Sawyer and his lecture was expanded and published as a book.
Now I am not saying that he did not have a good viewpoint or attitude or didn't have something to offer us as we approach the struggles of life. I am also sure that he was a great husband ,dad and human being. But the thing is he had a good life. He was smart and had a good education, married the woman of his dreams and had a lucrative and satisfying academic career.
How come the media never shows us the courage of the underprivileged and downtrodden in this society? Why some Wasp college professor and not some elderly African American lady raising her grandchildren in a crime infested neighborhood? That is my real hero. The person who has the deck stacked against him or her and reaches beyond their limitations to find the truth and good in themselves to overcome for the benefit of someone else. That is a true hero.

Because It Sounded Good At The Time

And because I haven't posted in a long while. Here's something from a blog archive. Supposed to bring me enlightenment. God,do I ever need that! ( I think this is the blog equivalent of burying a statue of St. Joseph upside down in the yard when trying to sell real estate.)

1. Open the nearest book to where you are sitting. Don't reach for anything cool or hip, make it truly the nearest book.

2. Open to page 123.

3. Find the fifth sentence. (The instructions don't say whether this should be the fifth complete sentence or the fifth including whatever incomplete sentence begins the page. You're on your own here. )

4. Post in your blog the 5th, 6th and 7th sentences, along with these instructions.

5. Upon completing this, enlightenment will be yours. Or at least somebody's.

Ok, I did it so here goes.

"Hours from now. Go on back to Quarters. I mean it."

P.S this picture is from flickr, not mine. I just liked it a lot and since the above quote is from a science fiction novel ( the Pride Of Chanur)about intelligent felines, I thought this was appropriate.