Why God Why?

I am a believer in God. I see God as a powerful consciousness that is behind the creation of the universe as we know it. I have always believed in God. In fact I have believed in God so much that I have been angry at him ( I'll use the masculine pronoun even though I don't think "he " is male or female but for simplicity, I'll say he). Anyway, I have been angry at him for the past 6 years because I have had a hard crappy and unfair life that I don't understand., I have been so angry at him, if he were a homeless man I would have kicked him in the balls. Now, I know how terribly wrong that is but I can't help it. It is how I have been feeling for the better part of the past six years. Even though I can look around and see many other people whose situations in life are much worse then my own I can't help feeling this way. I have wrestled with this inner demon so much and finally when I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, God throws me another(albeit minor) curve ball in the form of an inexperienced supervisor who thinks that writing up people is a motivational tool at the same time I need to find a new apartment so now I will be moving in with my parents and instead of looking for a better job I will need to find any job even if it means less pay. Am I on the wrong path? If so ,God please show me the right path.

The Change

Ok so I am going to try this blogger thing again and this time try to make the commitment to the blogger credo that I put a new posting every 2 or 3 days. It's just that I think my style is either schmaltsy or plain and my everyday life dull or boring or just painful. I have been wrestling with the demon depression. It usually hits me at night on the drive home. Too often I think on the difficulties of life as a broke middle aged overweight gay man in St. Louis. Mostly I reflect on the changes of the quality of life for queer folk in the U.S over the past 30 years. It is really cool how we have evolved from referring to ourselves as the lifetstyle( circa late 70's) to the community (late 80's ) to family (mid 90's). Now we are demanding that our relationships and families be recognized legally in the social mainstream of America. I have to admit that while I am excited by this new frontier, I can only cherish it with a bittersweet aftertaste. When I think of what is was to be young and gay and out in 1979. To think of how daring it was to expose this secret to your family and friends. What a risk there was in being disowned by family or being shunned by straight friends and the likelihood of being fired from an employer ,well I guess it was a good thing that I was just too dumb to know better.